Did you hear about the man who applied for a job? At the bottom of the application form where it said “sign here” he wrote: “Scorpio.” You may giggle but, to some Chinese employers, your star sign is what they want to know. It leads me to wonder whether astrology the biggest load of codswollop ever devised – or is there something to it?
After years of sneakily checking to see what the stars had in store for me each day, I realised they must be referring to someone else entirely. You may disagree but be aware that I now officially reserve the right to consider you barmy. Or Chinese
So devoted are business types there that some companies are indeed taking people on just because of their star signs. You have more chance of getting a job with a certain company in Wuhuan in central China if you are Capricorn, Pisces or a Libran. They are not interested in Scorpios or Virgos. As a Virgoan I wanted to know why I was blackballed by this organisation before I’d even got round to applying.
I have been sceptical since one horoscope – not the Press and Journal one, obviously – said I was going to get great news in the post. Minutes after reading it, the letterbox clattered. It was a tax demand. So what’s the problem with those poisonous Scorpions and us cuddly Virgoans? may I ask.
“I hired people with those two star signs before, and they either liked quarrelling with colleagues or they couldn’t do the job for long,” a woman by the name of Xia explained. Scorpios quarrelsome? I’m trying to think of well-known Scorpios to see if they are. Ken Dodd certainly isn’t. Or Frank Bruno. He’s a laugh a minute.
Icelandic songbird Bjork is a tad grumpy allegedly and did I not hear somewhere that John Cleese can be too? Yes, he said it himself on the radio. Hmm, I’m not so sure about them, after all. I’d be careful about hiring any of them. Whereas the other lot who are shunned by Chinese human resources departments, us Virgos, never squabble, get depressed or walk out in the huff slamming doors. Ask my wife. Mrs X will confirm my sweet nature. That she’s had thick carpets put down so our doors have to be pushed shut is just a fascinating coincidence.
The Queen is one of us, you know. Oh yes, and one doesn’t see Her Maj snapping at anyone, do you? A typical Virgoan like myself, she is always so calm and serene. As was Mother Teresa, another lady we called our own.
Who in showbiz is under the sign of the virgin? Sean Connery is the most easy-going and generous fellow that Alex Salmond has ever had the pleasure of bumping into. However, Hugh Grant, as we have seen recently, can be very bolshie and Leonard Cohen did sing in a way which suggested he was a bit down in the dumps. So maybe we are a mixed bag, us Virgoans.
So why do Capricorns rate highly as workers? Maybe it’s because they have all been known to wear tartan at one time or another. Possibly the three best known Capricorns are Alex Salmond himself, Rod Stewart and the somewhat , er, unpredictable Mel Gibson. Poor Mel has been complaining that no one is hiring him so this latest Chinese theory is not really helping him one bit.
Librans though seem to be a divine bunch. They would be an asset on any payroll. Have you ever seen such a spiritually-inspiring lot? Would you hire Cliff Richard, Desmond Tutu and Mahatma Gandhi? Of course you would. Librans all. Wot no Pope? No, he’s Aries and no one can stand them. Except His Holiness, of course.
Groucho Marx was another Cap. He’d be good fun in the canteen at tea break.
Stop there. I’ve got this all wrong. I would never hire any of them. I have just noticed David Cameron on this list of nose-to-the-grindstone Capricorns. Look, Baroness Thatcher is there too. Then there are the fishy people, the Pisceans. Highly regarded in the city of Wuhuan, they’re claimed to be happy and full of fun. They are supposed to be a joy to work with and no great Chinese company can ever have enough of them.
The late Tommy Cooper was one such busy giggler. What’s this? Gordon Brown is a Piscean? Good grief. Happy and full of fun? There must be some mistake.
All of which means I cannot believe that when you are born can affect your life and in the same way as the lives of everyone else born around that time of year.
What’s important is not when you have a birthday but just how many of them you achieve.
What could be better than a big cake with an inferno of blazing candles atop it? A decorated cake can be so beautiful that often no one wants to eat the work of art.
That wasn’t the case with a certain pensioner who lives near Stornoway and who had a birthday recently. He told his carer how pleased he was that so many people had remembered and that his next door neighbour had even made him a big birthday cake.
He’d scoffed a big piece. It was lovely, he whispered to her, but it had given him the most terrible heartburn. “Oh, don’t worry about that, Mr Stewart,” she said. “Next year, we’ll make sure you don’t eat the candles.”
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