Iain Maciver

Dodi Fayed’s old man did get something spot on. Prince Philip is scary. He scares me when he lifts that eyebrow and comes out with another bigoted, racist outburst. But the dear old Queen doesn’t spook me at all. She is just cuddly and sweet and has nice hats. She would never go around plotting to murder anyone. Right, that’s that cleared up.

It can be seen as a measure of the openness of our society that we allow people like the Harrods boss a public platform to slag off Her Maj and Frankenstein. And Prince Charles, the British, French and American security services, the French justice system, ambulance staff, pathologists, newspaper editors, two former Metropolitan police commissioners, the Princess’s sister and brother-in-law and the former British ambassador to France. And the Princess’s lawyer. Oh and Tony Blair, of course.

If, and it is a big if, al Fayed is right despite the small matter that he has no evidence, it’s a biggie - and it’s still going on. If he is wrong, then it is a good yarn and, whatever, it makes a thorn in royal sides look like a right wally. ‘One told one so, didn’t one.’ I think most people think the Egyptian shopkeeper is a few big blocks short of a pyramid. I do too. It is all too barmy for words. His ranting and raving in court and outside it is not taken seriously by many except the paid members of his own entourage.

Here is a novel suggestion. Let’s allow him a little leeway. After all, he was, and obviously still is, hurting at the loss of his son and he feels rebuffed by an establishment that will always look after its own. In other words, not him. Yes, he is obsessed. Many others are obsessed too whether with politics, Britney Spears or windfarms on Lewis. Al Fayed is hitting out at anyone - and everyone. Let him. It is the British thing to do. Just let him. He will not get a British passport now, that’s for sure. Then again he was never going to.

So he does go on a bit. Doesn’t make him a bad person. When she starts, my mistress can go on a bit as well. Okay, that does make her a bad person when I want to go for a pint and she insists I wait to listen to her rabbiting on about her sister’s husband’s cousin’s latest new friend. Joke, darling.

Here’s another crazy idea. Maybe it is al Fayed who should have shame and ridicule heaped on his balding bonce. After all, it was him who employed Henri Paul, the speed-crazed drunk driver who caused these tragic deaths and … (read slowly and loudly in a rising voice up to a final crescendo like Tom Baker in a Little Britain voiceover) … robbed us all in this great nation of our own wonderful, golden People’s Princess. If anyone should share the responsibility and the guilt and get on his knees to apologise to William and Harry for his part in the death of their mother, it is him. Do you think he will see it that way?

Al Fayed will soon by asking his lawyers ‘Momken eh-he-ssab men fadlak’ which, according to my Arabic tourist guidebook, is ‘May I have the tab, please’. The inquest legal bill will probably cost him hundreds of thousands of pounds. Maybe he will think it worth it for having his day in court and spouting his venom before his colourful life is over. Whereas we, as British taxpayers, had to fork out a mere £6 million for the privilege of listening to that poison from him and his learned flunkies. Lucky us. Mohamed al Fayed is 75, by the way.