Never talk about religion or politics, they said. You will offend everyone, they said. Even your own relations will stop talking to you, they said. Listen, my own relations don’t talk to me anyway except to criticise me for not visiting them often enough, and when I do call, they just rabbit on about how I don’t bring them the kind of cake they like. Yes, auntie Kirsty Ann. Your suspicions are correct; I am talking about you.

No one should be scared to say what they think. To suggest otherwise is an inverted pyramid of piffle, as a London politician called Boris once upon a time said. And I think that after seeing the nation put aside politics and real news to speak of little else but the expected arrival, the imminent arrival and then the actual arrival of a big baby last week, it is obvious the royal family has taken the place of politics and religion for some people.Oops, that’s two black marks for me straightaway.

Many people in Britain and in Scotland simply do not care that lot cost us something between £33 million and £200 million every year, depending on whose figures you believe, and they feel absolutely no urge to calculate what that kind of money could do for poorer people.

They can see there are queues at food banks in all our towns now yet they still want to gaze enviously at a bunch of privileged people splashing their millions on fripperies. It makes them happy and lifts their spirits, they say. Eh? What is going on? Are they bonkers? Yes, actually I do think people who desperately defend the continued funding of wealth and privilege in a time of severe recession and hardship are definitely becoming unhinged as they try to ignore the obvious inequalities and injustices. Or maybe that fervour is just a handy device for sensible people to spot people who are just very, very cruel. Obvious.

Just like the people who are striving for independence for this bonnie wee country of ours without being honest that it will mean no royal family, no Royal Mail and no Royal Navy. As well as no Royal Mint, no large, sprawling, unheatable royal palaces, no shameful unearned royal privileges and no costly royal hangers-on. That’s what independence will mean, isn’t it? Anything else is not independence, is it?

Which is why those of us with Viking blood coursing through our veins have long been polishing our horny helmets as we waited to take charge of our own affairs. Our esteemed council as well as the ones in Orkney and Shetland have started the process and have told the Scottish Government they want more powers for themselves. Just minor stuff at first, you understand. Taking control of the seabed, for instance. That is crucial. At the moment, the watery domain of crabs, lobsters and Tesco shopping trolleys belongs to the Crown Estate. In other words, Her Maj. So it’s very symbolic that we snatch it off her.

The government of Salmond thinks it is a fine idea. Little do they know. That will be just the start. In afew years, we are just going to go for it, declare a Unilateral Declaration of Independence and just do our own thing. It’s going to happen. We are going to form strong links with similarly unshackled Orkney and Shetland and arrive at a set of understandings. Of course, there will be many challenges ahead not least the fact that they are very hard to understand at the best of times as they talk funny up there.

Ah, true independence for the Hebrides. We can call ourselves whatever we want and our top people will be able to give themselves any titles they fancy. I cannot wait for the day that we send this letter to the guy supposedly in charge of our neighbouring country:

2 January 2020.
To Alex Salmond, adminstrator

Fraternal greetings from Castle Campbell, Sandwick Road, Stornoway.

You will be aware that the Kingdom of Great Bernera (KGB) and her dependent territories came into being yesterday. Unfortunately, we have not received your message of congratulation yet but serves you right if you used the Royal Mail. Our KGB Mail is much more efficient. I have taken time off from our Month of Celebration With Free Whisky For All to write concerning diplomatic relations between our two great nations.

I am pleased to announce that, with the approval of our leader, His Majesty King Angus of Campbell, exalted ruler of the Kingdom of Great Bernera and her dependent territories, we would be amenable to the formalisation of diplomatic relations with the United Kingdom (Scotland Division). An exchange of ambassadors should be the natural next step in the diplomatic process. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to make arrangements for this exchange.

Respectfully,

Count Norman A Macdonald OBE, MBE, Bt, Sky TV
Foreign Minister

Oh, it’s going to be great but we have a lot to learn. Knowledge is power and power corrupts. So we have to study hard and be really evil.