Monthly Archives: January 2009

Chris’s dangling days are done

AS the Queen shook his hand and pinned the gallantry medal on his pushed-out chest, little did Her Maj know how sore was the behind of the fellow in front of her. He had been having a bit of gyp over the years from an old wound.

Not that it was an injury sustained as a result of enemy action in a theatre of war. No, this injury came as a result of manouevres of an altogether different kind.

And if the jealous French boyfriend had aimed just a bit higher, it might have been an altogether sadder story.

You would think the lead shot from the blunderbuss which peppered his posterior and the bullet still embedded in his leg, all let off by the enraged gentleman friend of the mademoiselle he had unwittingly escorted home, would have persuaded the fresh-faced young Royal Navy diver to opt for a safer future as he vaulted the gates of suburban Boulogne.

But Chris Murray, for it was he, went on to be the winchman on the Stornoway-based coastguard rescue helicopter and was fated to face even more bother, more hazards and more peril for much of his life in the same unassuming fashion as he did that fateful night in northern France – which he probably thought everyone had forgotten about. Sorry.

Last Wednesday, he was publicly if not officially retired after more than 20 years as a chopper dangler with the taking of a smidgen of strong drink in the Carlton.

Chris Murray   Pic by Michael Skelly

Chris Murray - pic by Michael Skelly

Shattering his arm when he was catapulted into the superstructure of the French trawler Jack Abry II has done for his career. Maybe the skipper was the same fellow who riddled his backside with lead all those years ago.

Either way, Chris has pulled on his wire for the last time. No more shall he dangle over Broad Bay, the Ullapool ferry or any of the vessels that ply their trade around the north-west.

Therefore did we solemnly gather in the tavern on the hill atop the street of Francis and we marked the end of an era in nautical fashion with a tot or two as befits the honouring of a former naval man and erstwhile son of Dornoch.

He’s a big lad. Indeed, he is widely known as the balach mor with those hands like shovels which have not been unhelpful as a professional hanger-on.

Chris earned himself another early naval nickname when he helped unscrew a 21-ton propeller off a Polaris submarine using but a jemmy or two and those same shovels he was born with.

The chief petty officer had never seen anything like it and immediately dubbed him KK. If it wasn’t King Kong, I really can’t think what else that stood for.

Naval divers tend to be a tenaciously-dedicated bunch who get the job done whatever the odds. They train hard and even put on the occasional show at galas.

Anyone working in health and safety had better skip reading this bit. It was in the early 1970s, remember. Basically, a young diver was selected to have the rear of his dry suit set ablaze by his very helpful comrades in arms.

Maybe Chris had a hot curry ...

Maybe Chris had a hot curry ...

At risk of fairly imminent combustion, the poor lad then had to gallop down the length of a pier and plunge headlong into the sea.

That red-hot star of the show was invariably our Chris who still bears the scars of roasted rump to this day. Pictures of him heavily disguised as a ball of flame still exist.

Her Maj, of course, summoned him to her London home after he helped save nine lives in 2001.

She gave Chris the Queen’s Gallantry Medal for remaining in a liferaft, despite suffering an excruciating shoulder injury himself, and making sure the survivors from the sunken German fishing boat Hansa made it to the helicopter.

With the lead pellets which had to be extracted individually and painfully from his burned behind, the slug still in his leg, being set on fire most Saturdays, the shattered arm and the countless hard landings on storm-tossed vessels including being washed away into the foaming briney without his lifeline, it is a wonder Chris is still around.

We are glad he is and we hope, too, that he will stay on Lewis now that his dangling days are done.

Darren Manser, the pilot, summed him up by saying that as well as having big hands Chris also has a big heart. I’ll stop now, I’m filling up.

But what was the Navy’s name for that show with the burning diving suit?

At first, I thought it was a term for flambéed mince and potato shapes in breadcrumbs. But it only sounded like Flaming Rissoles.

The Guga Hunters by Donald S Murray – review

The Guga Hunters by Donald S Murray – review

This fascinating volume reveals a long Hebridean hunting tradition, in all its richness and strangeness, says Will Self in the Daily Telegraph.

A decade and a half ago, I spent a winter living on the Orcadian island of Rousay in a four-square early-Victorian dower house hard by a tumultuous sound. Throughout the long, dark nights, while the gales from the wild Atlantic soughed about the eaves, my very sense of orientation – like an internal weathervane – was swivelled around.

On my trips down to Edinburgh, I found the city to be oppressively warm and its inhabitants brassily sensual; as for London, it felt like Rio de Janeiro. The idea of north had become the only reality, its scattered archipelagos my main, and I began to seriously consider the Faeroes as a holiday destination.

One of the books I read during my boreal reclusion was a short history of the isolated Hebridean island of St Kilda, where a small community survived for almost a millennium harvesting seafowl from the 1,000-foot sea cliffs.

The idea of the St Kildans gripped my imagination powerfully: meat, condiments, catholicons, feathers for export – even their footwear was furnished for them by fulmars, gannets, puffins and cormorants.

Some assert – although others just as strenuously deny it – that Kildan society was even done for by tetanus, transmitted to newborn infants by an animistic ceremony involving the smearing of the umbilicus with fulmar oil.

To be in these northern isles is to be insistently aware of seafowl – they criss-cross the skies and swoop from the sea cliffs. Indeed, the overall number of seafowl in the north of Britain has significantly increased in the past century or so, a pleasing contrast to the war of conquest enacted by humankind against all other species in the lower latitudes.

It’s against this background – remote island communities threatened with depopulation – that we must understand, and appreciate, the sagas of the guga hunters.

I had no idea until I picked up Donald S Murray’s remarkable book that the hunting and eating of seafowl was still a live tradition in the Hebrides.

But it’s true: a small group of men from Ness at the northernmost tip of Lewis are granted an exemption each year from the provisions of the Bird Preservation Act, in order that they may voyage 40 miles north to the remote and rocky islet of Sulasgeir, where they harvest anything up to a couple of thousand gugas, or immature gannets, from its cliffs.

The men are put ashore, or drag their boats up on to the bluffs – there is no natural harbour. They sleep in earwig-infested bothies, and erect rope pulleys and wooden chutes to aid their industry.

The birds are taken from the nest and their necks wrung; they are butchered, plucked, salted and stacked into bizarre circular towers. After three weeks or so, weather permitting, the guga hunters head south again, with their cargo of seafowl.

Traditionally, guga has been both a staple and a delicacy for many folk in rural Lewis. Predictably, opinion is sharply divided on how palatable the meat is, with some prizing it as rich, game and piquant, while others reject it entirely.

It’s one of the many strengths of Murray’s book that he not only places the guga within the Hebridean culinary culture, but demonstrates how widespread the eating of seafowl once was, including a recipe for roasting “solan goose” offered by a London butcher in the 1920s.

Indeed, it’s possible to understand the gradual flight, since the 1600s, of seafowl from southern tables as of a piece with the casting off of other ties to the natural world.

The guga hunters are representatives of a community that has remained deeply imbrued with sea and land, one that has, until the last generation or so, clung to the rock of its Christian faith (or several rocks, for the churches thereabouts are as fissiparous as they are fundamental) and stayed nesting within the Gaelic language.

Murray is neither sentimental nor whimsical when he writes about this atavism on the edge of our world; as a Hebridean native himself, he understands the culture as a living and changing thing, mourning the loss of people first, and folk-ways only in as much as they form part of a holistic system.

The guga hunters, far from representing a dangerous depredation of the Sulasgeir gannetry, have husbanded the wide-winged and sharp-beaked gulls over the decades, tending them as other less hardy men might tend their allotments.

Perhaps it’s me who is sentimental, because I found Murray’s evocation of life on the edge of the world deeply moving.

Interspersed with his own poetry and that of others (some in English, some, a little annoyingly, not translated from the Gaelic); laced with archive accounts and personal testimonies; containing glosses of ancient legends both local and universal; and with fine descriptions of the topography and ecology of the northern isles, The Guga Hunters builds into one of those books that prove incontrovertibly the hoary old adage that truth is stranger than fiction.

When I’d finished it, I found that like those Orcadian gales, Murray had succeeded in reorienting me, and I was already planning my route from Stornoway to St Kilda, from St Kilda to Sulasgeir, from Sulasgeir to North Rona – and so on via other distant gull-thronged stacks and skerries, to Ultima Thule.

The winds of optimistic change

GRUMPY people must have hated Monday. It was International Optimism Day, when many people sang and danced and laughed and told poker-faced people to get over themselves.

Fantastic idea. Long overdue. Me? I had intended to take part in the day, but I was so overcome with such abject melancholy after watching Ceol Country on the Gaelic channel at the weekend that I was under the duvet. Whimpering.

It must take a heck of a lot of sheer dedication and many months of training to get normally joyful performers to sing light and fluffy songs in such soul-destroying, downbeat, mournful fashion.

Everyone was dour – the artists, the bands, the audience. There they were, all lined up in glorious unison, taking the art of the constipated scowl to new and glorious heights. How could they gather quite so many people in the one room and make them look so utterly dejected and wretched? There must be a knack to doing that.

We were not allowed to see the audience close up in case the merest hint of jolliness should play upon their lips. They are all very obviously regimented in 1960s black-and-white style. On each table is plonked a lamp and each person has a half-full glass in front of them. Or maybe they were half-empty. That would explain it.

Shadowy audience members sat glumly chewing wasps. A row of Free Church (Continuing) elders has more pizzazz. A wandering camera showed shots from behind them. You can see, feel, taste and chew the all-pervading gloominess.

The Optimists Society would have had their work cut out there. They are the group of gloom-dodgers who have been sending cheer packages for International Optimism Day to particularly forlorn fellows like Jeremy Paxman, John Humphrys and Alistair Darling. They feel that even although the country has been struggling with tens of thousands of people losing their jobs, now is the time for our personal outlooks to brighten. Right, let’s all go down the JobCentre. Yes, yes, yes.

See? It is not that easy. When you are faced with life-changing difficulties, it is far from easy to turn that frown upside-down. But you can do it. They are not saying things can only get better. No, we heard that before and look what happened. I think they are saying things may feel worse if you are not positive, so smile like a big daft loon.

With the almighty storm we had at the weekend here, it was hard to find something to be cheerful about. We were warned well in advance. After a while, it was difficult to find any hatches to batten down.

We had little damage ourselves. The sign was ripped off the A.D. Macdonald plumbing shop. It took off and skited down Keith Street and ended up smashing into my wife’s van. Not much damage, really. About, oh, £3,000 should cover it.

Mind you, herself has been on at me to get a new bathroom suite. What do you think, John Norman? Hmm, maybe it is me who is being optimistic.

Like our vehicle-hire tycoon, Kenny Arnol Maclennan. A big concrete wall was blown over and wrecked his fleet of a dozen of nearly-new rental cars. He tells me he is trying not to think about it, although they were worth about £100,000.

That’s the spirit, Kenny. I hereby invite you to join my new Optimists Society (Continuing).

Maybe purveyors and aficionados of the Stornoway black pudding should look on the bright side this week. Iain Barley has gone off to Europe to lecture the EU on why the black marag is really quite special. The boys in the shop have shown me a copy of his speech, or the Brussels spout, as they call it.

You can keep your smelly Stilton, he told them. Parma ham is not on a par with the marag dubh, he lectured the European officials, as he proudly waved the Marags Are Marvellous petition.

Whether Iain and Rhoda Grant MSP succeed in their campaign to get protected status for the finest tube of blood and guts this side of Portobello’s Stornoway-style pudding makers remains to be seen. But a thick slice of optimism wouldn’t go amiss.

Someone else I have to invite into my new OS (C) is that well-known son of Lewis, Barack Obama. I kid you not. Related to descendants of people who left here in 1851 and showing all these white teeth yesterday, he is well-qualified. I think I’ll make him president. We’d better plan another inauguration.

Meanwhile, Seonaidh Macritchie in the County Hotel is still optimistic he will find a name for his new bistro. He tells me that, despite local rumour, he has no plans to call it Marag Obama.

Why you’ve got to have a dream

EVER woken up in the middle of the night and found yourself completely sure you were somewhere else entirely? The dream you had was so real that you are still sure that you are there doing whatever you dreamed you were doing? No? Just me, then.

Research has shown that has happened to most people, but very few will admit it – not in front of their partner, anyway.

As my dream the other night concerned nothing more saucy that sitting in a Rolls-Royce in front of a huge house which looked a bit like Lews Castle with a butler who looked a bit like Alex Salmond, I don’t care who knows.

Everyone says that you’ve got to have a dream. Some people have even written songs to say as much. It’s just that some people have fantastic dreams compared to mine. They show up my dreams as pathetic wee visions that never come to pass.

Maybe that is because we learn to be more careful about what we really want. As we get older and wiser, we realise that it is actually really dangerous to dream and wish upon a star. I once closed my eyes really hard and dreamed that I was married to a lassie from Plasterfield.

And just look what happened. Nearly 13 years later, she is upstairs now in the huff because I said I may mention her in the paper this week, but wouldn’t tell her why.

No, I don’t regret that dream. Of course not. Except when she flounces off upstairs muttering that she should have married someone caring, thoughtful and loving when she had the chance. He must have been from the mainland. Can’t have been anyone from Stornoway, that’s for sure.

It was one of these What Happened 25 Years Ago reports that reminded me how people I’ve known had bigger dreams than me.

It was all about a former RAF colleague of mine. Bill Grant, who I think was from Nairn, worked in the Bird Control Unit.

Similar things were happening in our lives back then. His job was to scare the birds away from the end of the runway so the Nimrods could take off and land safely at Kinloss. He had this amazing big pistol to shoot flares over the birds which would then explode with an almighty bang and rattle the windows in nearby Findhorn.

Me, I also used to scare the birds, but it was the ones at the Naafi disco at the weekend. But then maybe that was because I didn’t have an impressive weapon that shoogled anyone’s glazing.

Bill was always going off on these trips here and there and telling us all about the things he wanted to do with his life.

After I got posted down south, it wasn’t long before I heard an item on the radio in which he said he was going to use his RAF payoff to go off on an expedition to the Himalayas.

He hoped to get to the bottom of the legend of the Abominable Snowman.

Crikey. The only legends I was into back then were the fabulous icons of rock’n’roll superstardom. Yep, the incomparable Rolling Stones and the fantastic, or at least slightly amazing, er, Village People. I know, I know, don’t go on about it. Remember I was young. I was from Stornoway. The Young Men’s Christian Association was a big thing here. May still be, but no one is allowed to mention the guys from that particular village.

Bill nearly came a cropper when heavy snowstorms cut off his only route in a mountain pass high up at something like 20,000 feet. But he was found by a sherpa and led to safety just in the nick of time. He was made a fellow of the Royal Geographical Society after that. And you don’t get that just for giving a fine rendition of In the Navy.yeti

I found footage on the internet of Bill taking part with two outrageous liars in a TV game show. Various celebrities of the 1980s were trying to figure out which one of them was rightfully claiming to be a yeti hunter called Bill Grant. Not an everyday job, that one.

Maybe Bill didn’t ever stumble across the fabled hairy creature with the supposedly big feet, although he did make several trips to places like Nepal and Tibet. However, he followed his dream.

I must do that. If I close my eyes really hard, herself might come down and make me a cuppa. No, nothing’s happening.

Wait. I must be in the Himalayas. All I can see is this creature lumbering towards me. It’s carrying something.

It is offering them to me. Good grief, it looks strangely like . . . a mug of tea and a custard cream.

Who should go on Big Brathair?

IT IS DIFFICULT to find the time to watch Celebrity Big Brother every night. I actually have a life. But I am rooting for my mate to win.

No, it is not that most young looking and perhaps one of the most surgically-enhanced 52-year-old women in the known universe, LaToya Jackson.

I’ve never met the woman and dreams don’t count.

It is, in fact, the man who has been ordering Ulrika to wash her hands. Dirty girl. It’s Tommy Sheridan. Me and Tommy? Oh yeah. We’re like that.

He has got to win. Come on, the poor fellow is down on his luck, so he needs the cash as he is just a student nowadays.

It is a masterstroke to have a committed, serious politician sharing with a bunch of, well, slightly less-serious individuals. The potential for strife is almighty. It worked well with Gorgeous George Galloway right up until he became a pussy.

Vitriolic exchanges between him and Barrymore and the no-marks in with them were just delicious.

“You are the most selfish, self-obsessed person I have ever met in my life,” roared Gorgeous. “So put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

Only for the gangly star of Kids Do the Funniest Things to wound him with: “If you’re that sad, George, it’s no wonder Blair threw you out.”

Sheridan is my mate. He and his bonny wife came to see me when he was up in Stornoway to address a Scottish Socialist Party rally in the Caberfeidh Hotel a few years back. It was before all those distressing allegations which saw him making several other personal appearances in recent years – in the witness box.

He was in great form that day and tried to drag me along to the Caber to hear him put his eminently sensible case for his own particular brand of state ownership of, yeah, everything. So I thought why not.

Then I wondered what would happen if I disagreed with what was being said by the great man? Could I bite my tongue? Gulp. The thought of Tommy Sheridan and Dan Murray’s beard trapping me in a corner of the Willow Suite was too much. I had to make my excuses.

I don’t see Tommy making the same mistakes that Gorgeous George made. He can rant and rave like the best of them, especially outside courthouses, but there is no way the perma-tanned Bolshevik will be purring or licking anything but his own lips in the house. See? Glaswegians can be cool. Almost.

So why doesn’t the Gaelic channel put on its own version, Big Brathair? But who would be the personalities that we should put in for maximum entertainment?

Well, Dan Murray, that’s for sure. Fired-up lefties bristling with indignation about injustices are always good value, although there are only a handful still around. There’s Tommy, Dennis Skinner, Dan and, er, that’s it.

I fear it would have to be a big-money offer to take Dan away from Big Kenneth’s side at the BBC on Friday mornings. So, yes, Dan and his bristles – but only if we have the budget.

We will need a wealthy business type for him to argue with. Angus Campbell, the council leader, would fit the bill if we could get him speaking anything other than unintelligible Battery Gaelic. If not, most Hearachs are incredibly rich nowadays, particularly, I am told, the ones to be found down by Scarista.

We will need an established TV megastar. Hmm. Cathy Macdonald or Tony Kearney? Sorry, a hoaney, but that shoddy Barra Gaelic hardly compares with that heady lilt produced by a fine pair of lungs refreshed from birth with the flung spume of West Loch Roag. The former Miss Earshader, Crulivig and Lundale of 1976 will be first in so she can choose her quarters. Only right, I think.

What about a has-been? Sadly, there was no one on The A Team who spoke Gaelic. Singers? Well, a month ago, I might have agreed to give the old tooth-yanker Alasdair Gillies just another five minutes of fame.

But he is a star again. He was so tear-jerkingly good on the programme through the Bells that he had my own wife welling up, just as he did back in the 1970s. That lad will go far.

It is always a good idea to keep everyone sane in the Big Brathair house by having the voice of the common man in there – someone a bit off-the-wall but dispensing pearls of wisdom, when they are not wearing them.

Which is why, after also helping lever us into 2009 with that televisual treat, we should call upon that most photogenic if somewhat earnest of Uist housewives. Step forward Mrs Jessie Lexy MacIsaac.

What will I drink at New Year?

CHRISTMAS morning and after I had tuned into Angela MacKinnon and Terry Wogan for a bit, the little schnauzer nuzzled me and dragged me out for a Christmas morning walk on Melbost beach.

Contrary to islanders’ reputations, there were loads of healthy people running about with their pooches. Hector was chased off again by a great wee Rudhach dog that is always rushing pell-mell after balls along the beach. Mine tried to join in by trying to make off with one of them. Big mistake.

That is one heck of a lively mutt belonging, I think, to Iain the sparky in Garrabost. He is one dog that doesn’t like other ones playing with his balls. After getting a flash of those wee white fangs, Hector wisely decided instead to investigate the flotsam and jetsam with his master. That’s me.

We found a German beer bottle, a doll that turned out to be very chewy and some important-looking papers marked Human Resources – Private and Confidential. And then piddled on them. That was Hector, not me. Interesting letters, though. Can’t make out the address because Hector somehow smudged it. Just phone me if you think they are yours. Just tell me the words that come after “You are hereby dismissed because . . .”

Further along, we met Nick Cotton. He is looking well these days after getting out of prison, setting up his own plumbing business and returning to Walford to see his dear ol’ muvver, Dot Cotton. Of course, that is just in EastEnders. In real life, he is just like you and me and calls himself Ewen France.http://www.bbc.co.uk/threecounties/content/images/2005/02/18/bouncers_cotton_2002_150_150x190.jpg

When he gets back to Stornoway, he even has an ordinary day job so paparazzi types like Bill Lucas and Murdo Maclean won’t be sniffing around. For about 25 years he has been slipping back here to the island where he has been working between scenes as the manager of the Gael Force creel factory in Island Road.

After seeing him on the beach, I was surprised then to see him pop up on the telly in the evening. I didn’t know there were any flights on Christmas Day. Unless, maybe just maybe, they are two completely different people? No, don’t be silly. That would be uncanny.

After skirting nervously past the famous actor – or could it really have been the cuddly and loveable factory boss? – me and the schnauzer then met a beachcombing toff immaculately kitted out in a white suit and cravat and jumped all over him, leaving a big wet mark on the front of his trousers. Hector again, not me. Sorry, mister. Then, right down by the Eye Church, we came across two genteel ladies of Point district and jumped all over them and licked their faces. No, not Hector. That was me.

And for New Year’s Day tomorrow? We will go out for our constitutional somewhere. However, I have decided that I am going to start 2009 by drinking all day. But it will all be clear water from a hole in the ground. It’s true.

Months ago, I responded to an e-mail challenge from a charming young public relations practitioner who assured me that if I would try for a few weeks a certain celebrity beauty water, she would let me have a consignment free. It was full of minerals and vitamins and other things that ugly people obviously just aren’t interested in. Beauty water? Get off me. No way. Hold on, did you say free? I was up for that and e-mailed her right back. We buy water anyway. Why the heck not?

Then I heard nothing for ages. I felt foolish. It was obviously beauty-conscious, slinky women they wanted. Like Myleene Klass or Cathy Macdonald. Harrumph. Then one day these big boxes of Willow Spring Water arrived. What every great skincare regime needs, it said. Why drink any old water when you can have one that has naturally-occurring beautifying properties?

This water comes from the Holy Well of Cartmel in the Lake District where once stood a forest of white willow trees. It claims a unique blend of minerals like salicin and high levels of calcium that have supposedly worked wonders for some ugly people trying to look good. Aye right, but not from rubbery old rhinoceros hide like mine.

A few celebs including model Alex Curran, the Sugababes and TV chef Clarissa Dickson Wright say it works. Ah well, two out of three ain’t bad. They say it is also good for the boobs. I just hope that includes manboobs.

So I’m going to glug my way through seven boxes of it. And instead of knocking back dehydrating uisge beath tomorrow, I will instead swig pure Willow Water, eat no solids then wait to be transformed into the new and beautiful me. Slainte.