HAVING spent the festive season on a platform somewhere up near Copenhagen, Mr George Gawk Campbell jetted back to Stornoway to convene a special meeting at the Point Street office of the think-tank he founded, the Special Hosted Electoral Examination Project.
Friday evening’s agenda was colourful, not least because the usual criterion that the house should give its unquestioning support to Gordon Gruamach and the Labour Party was suspended when Mr Campbell realised he would then have no one to talk to.
The main debates centred largely on crime and justice, arguments to retain or abolish the honours system, social housing and the legacies of former prime ministers.
The house fell silent as Donald Dodie Macdonald presented a fascinatingly in-depth analysis of the research he had conducted over five years into how the courts deal with under-25s.
An interesting local aspect of the report by the member for Borve was his view that a framework should be put in place to allow the courts to hand down sentences which build on the current system of community service. In a nutshell, sheriffs must be given new powers to order offenders to cut, lift and take home the peats.
Mr Macdonald, who currently has a pivotal non-research role with Uist Builders, stimulated much discussion when he expanded on his view that the elderly and infirm should be the first to benefit from his proposals. In summary, offenders would be punished and made far too exhausted by exertions on the Pentland Road to smash windows or take drugs. Meanwhile, pensioners get free fuel.
A win-win, he called it as heads nodded. What was there not to like about his plan, he asked.
However, the committee felt there was development work to be done if it was to adopt his proposals and present them to MSPs, as was borne out in the subsequent exchanges on what should be done when an offender refuses to get down and dirty and fling the slabs on to the bank.
The various suggestions that a peat iron could be applied with vigour to the offenders’ behinds suggests more analysis of the options has to be carried out by Mr Macdonald and his research team.
The debate on Steps for a Healthier Hebrides was postponed until members see how Donald Binnie Smith and the other Rudhachs get on next Friday in Farpais Fhallain, the BBC Alba series on weight loss. If they lose their target 48 stones, whatever methods they used will be adopted as committee policy.
Meanwhile, the debate on the honours system led to members debating the scarcity of worthy individuals from the islands who have been recognised for gongs. While many thought it was an utterly discredited system, others thought that while it was in place it should be used by islanders to make nominations – in the interests of balance if little else.
That sparked a scramble for ideas about which ungonged Hebrideans should have been honoured if the current system had been equitable. George Campbell saw the chance to reel off a list of alleged worthies who all just happened to have strong links with the Labour Party.
Onlookers gasped. Eyebrows were yanked aloft. A tumult of predictable outrage ensued. The chaos across the floor of the house was quelled eventually and admirably by Bill Macleod, of Aignish. In seconds, he was on his feet and, as the architect of the fine rebuttal, made a memorable submission to the effect that Mr Campbell was talking complete shoemakers. A sweet moment.
In the culture debate, I was able to inform members that unsigned bands and artists who play in Stornoway are now more likely to get a record deal. And that’s official. Well, almost. There certainly are people, like Paolo Nutini, who played here and then, within months or even weeks, were hitting the big time. Biffy Clyro, Amy Macdonald, The View and, just last year, Mumford and Sons. Look at them now. It’s uncanny. Don’t tell me that’s coincidence, I told them.
Many bands wait for years. But when they do get the call from Innes Morrison and Jori Kim at Stornoway’s own Honcho Promotions, these artists are well on their way.
Nutini, who has sold out the Albert Hall for his gig in April, came with his band to the Woodlands Centre and demanded an almighty fee of £75. Being already known, he demanded extras of course. A few tins of beer for himself and the lads. Their sumptuous accommodation arrangements comprised just kipping down on a floor in a Stornoway flat.
Callum Ian MacMillan interjected to advise he once slept on a floor somewhere during the recording of Sad Day We Left the Croft. The committee fully noted his comments.
Along came the discussion on attempts at the listing of premiers’ legacies. The house generally agreed Baroness Thatcher had left little of cheer behind her in Scotland. The mushrooming of unemployment, the near-total collapse of manufacturing industry and inflation running amok were all marks she left for all to see, it was claimed.
The rowdier members in the house then began to chant Thatcher Thatcher, Milk Snatcher when her earlier record on school milk provision was highlighted. Embarrassed by their own outbursts, the members went quiet and looked at their shoes until Mr Campbell, the unelected chairman, broke the tense silence.
“No, no, no. You are wrong, chentlemen,” he announced, shaking his head so much it looked like it was in danger of falling off.
“It wasn’t just school milk she snatched. She also got rid of Creamola Foam. And Wagon Wheels. If it was not for Tony Blair, there would still be no Wagon Wheels, although they are now smaller and taste of cardboard.”
His words still reverberating in our ears, it was decided it was time to bring the business of the committee to a conclusion. We were all far too worked up to agree the date of the next meeting. So we just drank up and went home.
