COULD the Pope be coming to the islands? All that uncalled-for frostiness and threats of boycotts may have put His Holiness off the idea of staying in the central belt for long.
I can tell you that there have been quite a few pointers recently that suggest that something very papal is afoot up here. Did you know, for instance, that Aer Lingus has just announced flights from London to Knock for £24? Honestly. Have a peek at the company’s website.
For those not well up on island geography, Knock is that bit of Point you come to after the first bit. A really charming village with much to commend it, it has a wee school and, er, a lovely view from up the hill of other wonderful places you could visit. And, well, that’s about it. A really lovely school, though, with windows and everything.
Even although the airlines are now advertising flights to Point from London that are cheaper than a taxi from town, you can bet our council has done nothing to prepare.
Have they built an airport there? Can’t say I’ve noticed. Still, at least a month to go.
Knock is just two miles from Melbost International Airport and the technical services department will just have to get its finger out and cobble together something before the middle of next month.
If it quickly widens the double-track road between Seaview and Claypark, something smaller than an Airbus could land. Aer Lingus does fly BAe 146 planes, which are not as big, so the wingspan wouldn’t slice off the top storeys of quite so many of the Seaview houses.
You can put these things down anywhere – unless you are Prince Charles, of course. Was it not HRH who managed to put a 146 in the ditch on Islay in 1995? That’s what happens when you try to land a 146 on a proper runway.
The usual whingers will moan. Happily, the council leadership will be ready with their new mantra – we are doing it for the good of your health.
Everything they do, apparently, is now for the good of our health. They have denied the golf club a Sunday licence and are keeping the sports centre closed on Sundays, all for the good of our health. Brilliant.
Anywhere else in this country, hordes of people would be taking to the streets and asking what these people are on. There would be letters to the papers, calls for votes of no confidence and intervention by the government.
Not here. Everyone seems fine with decisions which fly in the face of logic.
It’s a heart-stopping approach to decision-making which is making the Western Isles what it is today. Luckily for them, no one cares.
Now that the NHS has decided that ward visits in hospitals by ministers are merely spiritual health, they can say the same about a papal visit. Forget those blood pressure tablets, come and see the Pope instead.
A parking area for the papal plane will be needed so the Pope can come down the steps and kiss the holy soil of Innse Gall. Oh dear.
Guess what? What? Point football pitch is absolutely adjacent. It could have been put there for that purpose. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? And the clubhouse Ionad Stoodie would be ideal for the big man to meet the great leaders and decision-makers of the peninsula.
The Vatican security briefing is very specific. It says only those who can prove their ID can get in. So that’s Messrs Iain Don Maciver, of CalMac, and Iain D. Campbell, of the Free Church.
That’s fine; keeps it simple. It’ll be a lovely day.
Would it be a first if the Pontiff did decide to divert to Lewis? I ask because, in 1982, John Paul II also visited Scotland. A lovely, smiling man, so unlike most of the holy men we know, he visited Bellahouston in Glasgow and Murrayfield in Edinburgh. However, a few weeks later, an island newspaper had a jaw-dropping front-page story under the headline: “Sign of the Times – The Pope on Lewis.”
Someone on holiday in the capital just after the Pope’s visit saw the signs were still up. He put a few in his boot.
A few days later, a number of yellow 5ft x 4ft signs suddenly sprouted up outside Free Churches in Back, North Tolsta and Bayble, the FP church in Stornoway and on a Gress telephone pole. They said “Papal Visit” and, because they were urging drivers to go straight ahead, the signs pointed upwards.
Pandemonium. Was the Pope indeed in the island? Was it the end of the world as the Free Church knew it? People kept saying they thought it was a sign. Yes, Sherlock, it was.
The cops said it was none of the usual pre-CCTV Saturday night window breakers for which the island was then notorious. The file is probably in Church Street nick, still lying open.
Now the offender has, as His Holiness has always urged us, made a confession – to me.
I can reveal exclusively that, 28 years almost to the day, the phantom sign erector tells me he has seen the error of his ways.
He has carved a career in the media. It is not ideal, but probably better than walking the streets nicking road signs and causing much gnashing of teeth in more-fundamentalist churches.
Will Stornoway CID do a cold case review like they do on the telly? Probably. Will I be taken in? I was in London in 1982, but if that blonde sergeant is on duty I will suggest she gives me a strip search to be sure.
Spare a thought, though, for my friend tonight as he waits for the inevitable knock on the door, the slumped appearance in the dock and the shame that will be heaped on him.
Don’t worry, M, we will have a great party – whenever you get out.
