LibDem Diary

The Secret Diary of Ruaraidh Ferguson, age 53 and a half       

(Published with apologies to Sue Townsend, author of The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, aged 13¾)

Friday 01/05
The election count draws closer and previously all parties have to put forward a list of polling and counting agents. Polling agents are allowed into polling stations to observe polling procedures. There are strict rules governing what they can and can’t do but I suspect nobody reads them very often.
Counting agents, as the name suggests, attend the actual count and its quite interesting watching the process they go through. As the ward boxes from the polling booths come in, the counting agents note which ward and area the box is from. They then peer over the shoulder of the counting staff at the table in such a manner that would probably get them arrested elsewhere, and then note how many votes are for each candidate.

This sampling technique is used by all major parties throughout the UK to provide information on where they need to shore up the vote in future elections. In the Western Isles it’s only the SNP and Labour who bother with it and it can be quite interesting and amusing watching the agents in each party trying to get the best viewpoint as they move from table to table. For other parties it’s a way of getting more people into the count to take advantage of the buffet and wine.

I received my invite + 1 to the election count today. A lovely embossed card printed in English on one side and Gaelic on the other. Very nice gesture and obviously required so that quantities for the buffet and wine can be judged but in reality the candidate doesn’t need an invitation to attend the count. All guests attending the count have to sign a declaration of secrecy which means they are not supposed to let anyone know how the count is going. In reality you can walk round the hall and at any given time there are quite a few people on mobile phones.

Ruaraidh writes his second last secret diary

Saturday 02/05
Shop sales were down in Stornoway today as the electorate went into hiding. There was hardly a street corner in the town that didn’t have an enthusiastic volunteer ready to shove a leaflet in your hand. My agent was very critical of my own lax approach to canvassing and suggested I stop bothering her and find a street corner elsewhere to annoy other people.

I heard that people were walking miles out of their way in attempts to avoid well-meaning but overly enthusiastic supporters or even worse a desperate candidate or agent. The SNP supporters obviously hadn’t done their homework and were there in strength early in the morning. Unfortunately nobody else was and it was a most distressing sight to see all these activists with no members of the public to activise. I noticed that they had a lot of children’s windmills to give away; these were obviously bought after the brief but callous flirtation with Moorlands without Turbines.

My day was immensely cheered by receiving a good luck card, individually signed from the Party Support Team in Edinburgh. Whilst I have possibly poked fun at them previously, in reality they have done everything I have asked of them and more. I then received a phone call from Sarah Brinton, who took over as President of the LibDems from Tim Farron. She was just wishing me luck and apologising if I felt I had been left on my own but the nature of target seats and most resources etc. Many of the electorate are being very supportive telling me I’ll do well. However they then proceed to tell me who they are actually going to vote for, unsure how the two things are linked.

Monday 04/05
Back once more to our flagship policy – election posters. Whilst the Labour Facebook page admits that posters don’t do any good, their candidate is incandescent with rage regarding the removal of Labour election material by SNP activists. I’m not sure what proof they have that it was the SNP who carried out this despicable deed but then when did Labour ever need any legitimate reason to go to war?

It has however been noted by many that the Lib/Dem campaign against the environmental vandalism and social discord caused by posters has been relatively successful with more lampposts than ever in the Western Isles now clear of propaganda and undecided as to which way to vote. The success of the poster campaign has led many to remark that I have achieved more for the benefit of the Western Isles in the short weeks of this campaign than was achieved by the MP in the last 10 years.

I have been asked about my chances of having an all-expenses paid trip to London on Friday. I refer the electorate to remarkably similarities with Season 3 Episode 8 of Yes Minister and can only say that whilst my ambitions for this election are less ambitious than some, and whilst I have no desire to move to London and the champagne, all expenses paid and then some lifestyle, if my fellow residents of the Western Isles deem that this would be the best way in which I could serve my community, then who am I to argue with their wishes?

Tuesday 05/05
Today was the speed dating style election event organised by the Nicolson Institute. All candidates were there and the format was that the candidates sat at a table and groups of S3 pupils moved from table to table, asking a series of questions over seven minutes. All seemed to go well though I suspect some of the pupils were a bit bored with the topics and probably the similar style of answers.

Asked by pupils what my favourite band was really highlighted the age gap. I realised that it was comparable to me in 1975 asking a politician what their favourite group/singer was and being told it was George Formby. Highlight of the afternoon was when a group of female pupils asked the SNP candidate if they could have a photo with him and then asked the Conservative candidate if he would take the photo.

I got a begging letter from Paddy Ashdown today. Apparently we have a piece of software called Manatee, what this does is to deliver targeted messages to key voters on Facebook and according to Paddy is the key thing which could turn the election in our favour, problem being that it would cost £30,000 to run just for a day. I feel that given the trouble that delivering targeted messages via social media has caused my rival(s) I’ve decided it may be best to give this one a miss. #BetterSafeThanSorry

STOP PRESS
Just received a phone call from the police as they have had a complaint from the Labour Party about posters being vandalised and they feel the appropriate course of action is to contact the LibDems, the Christian Party and the Conservative political parties and caution them that this behaviour is not appropriate. I’m not sure what they said to the SNP. This only goes to show that the Liberal Democrat policy on posters was correct.