Published: Press and Journal July 25, 2011
Quite how the police haven’t been round here to deprive me of my freedom to write this, I’m not sure. Having come close to setting fire to a certain Stornoway hotel, it is fair to say that I have been slightly concerned that, by now, I would have my collar felt and be slung in a cell on a charge of fire-raising. It was an accident, your honour.
As the cops are obviously a bit slow off the mark, I can get my excuses – sorry, the true version of events – in first. We were out for a scoff in the Western Isles’ top inn on Saturday evening to celebrate my brother-in-law’s birthday. It was a big one for Duncan with an 0 in it. So we had pudding and everything.
Everyone was in great form. Duncan’s brother Peter was in top form. He was winding up the waitress with his obsession with perfection demanding to know what was fresh and what was from the freezer. She assured him his carrots and broccoli would indeed be absolutely the freshest available.
After that he decided to order a cold drink with loads of ice. Peter shouted after the poor girl: “And make sure it’s fresh ice. Don’t bring me any of that frozen muck.”
With all that going on, I must have somehow become a bit distracted. For some reason, I didn’t notice that I’d put down my menu too close to a tea light – a tiny candle-type thing which posh places like the Caberbeidh Hotel, which is where we were, put out to create a lovely romantic atmosphere.
At one point I think I noticed tiny flames licking round the base of the ice bucket. Ah, I thought to myself, how delightful. It is thoughtful wee touches like the tea lights that really add a lovely, warm ambience to the entire celebration. It was Mrs X, sitting next but one to me, who raised the alarm. A model of decorum, she did her best to ensure there was no panic or stampede when she spotted the flames.
Her first whisper asking if I knew there was a fire on the table was, I thought, her idea of a joke. Oh be quiet, I really have not had that much to drink. Stop mucking about, I told her firmly. She persisted. I turned and discovered my menu was indeed on fire and the flames by then were eating in towards the middle. Gosh. How did that happen?
By now red-faced and looking ever so slightly concerned, my beloved began to hiss questions at me. What was I thinking? Was I going to call the fire brigade? Why was I was just sitting there just looking at it? She was very controlled. The screaming came later when she got me home.
What my wife had obviously forgotten was that I have been highly-trained to deal with such threats and dangerous situations. I was in the ATC, you know. Flight Lieutenant Norman Maclean had taught me everything he knew about tricky situations. I merely needed a few seconds to coolly assess the danger and the modus operandi before I sprang into action.
Unfortunately, the implementation of plan A didn’t quite work. Trying to blow out the tabletop fire merely fanned the flames into a veritable furnace which then blew back and singed my left eyebrow. As I gasped for breath again, an airborne red-hot ember rose from the flaming menu, came straight at me and flew up my nose.
Despite the inferno in my left nostril, I remembered Norman’s instruction to stay calm at all times. It had also been drilled into me not to cause a scene. So I made sure that the other partygoers were blissfully unaware that, while they may have thought it somewhat odd that I had taken to shovelling copious quantities of Bailey’s ice cream into my mouth, little did they know that I was in fact spooning it into another orifice to cool things up there. Meanwhile, with my other hand, I calmly scooped ice and
cold water from the bucket to dowse the now-blazing menu. Job done.
cold water from the bucket to dowse the now-blazing menu. Job done.
Then, throwing my napkin over the blackened, sodden tablecloth and piles of ash, I leaned over to Aeneas Maclean sitting opposite and said: “Now, what was I saying?” Most of them had noticed nothing out of the ordinary. Master mariner John Shaw had continued his tales of funny people in far-off places uninterrupted, and my sisters-in-law Joey and Annie Mary continued their tales about when they were young in Harris. Ach, James Bond would have been proud of me.
Only Peter’s wife, Catherine, noticed that my quick-thinking had undoubtedly saved the landmark hotel from a terrible disaster. I tiptoed out of the dining room before manager Tom and his staff started tidying up and have been waiting for the knock on the door since. Afterwards, Catherine asked me what had happened. Nothing, I said. It was just an unfortunate accident which could have happened to anyone. I had it under control the whole time, I assured her.
Maybe it was me, but I felt she hadn’t quite believed me. I hoped she didn’t think it was negligence on my part that had caused the hotel to be nearly burned to the ground.
“Hmm,” she said, in that strange tone that certain women have when they don’t believe you. “Bet you won’t be writing be about that in the Press and Journal, will you?” Me? I said. No, certainly not. I’m far too modest to do any such thing.”
You know for that singed eyebrow Boots No.7 do a fabulous eyebrow pencil, deep khol an absolute snip at £4.99. Nobody will know it’s not real.
Kevin why do do you know so much about woman’s cosmetics. Just joking. don’t want to kick the gay thing off again.
I was wondering the same thing Sort’It’Out! On a lighter note it’s good to see Iain can still do light and amusing. I’m sure the Caber will forgive him his pyromaniac tendency!
Sort’It’Out women’s cosmetics? Have you never heard of ‘manscara’?
Can I just confirm that I am the original ‘sort it out’. I think I am being impersonated by Fat Boab. Haven’t heard of manscara but I do believe there is such a thing as a Mankini as sported by Big Daddy & Giant Haystacks.
Your not the original ‘Sort It Out’ I am, next you’ll say I’ve stole your identity.
Emulation is the sincerest form of flattery. Manscara, well just watch for anyone with suspiciously dark eyebrows and you can be sure they’re using – manscara.
Kevin are you a consultant on mens makeup ? if so I could suggest a number of guys give you call. No their not the worst of ware just ugly.
Every so often someone comments about Anonymous commentators on blog sites and jibbers on about how pathetic they are. One of the reasons that commentators remain anonymous or call themselves Sort it Out or Dan the Green Penguin is that if they use their real names some Charlie is going to start using their ID to post their own nonsense. This has happened on other blogs where the blogger refuses to use moderation and therefore Dan or Sort it ends up with all sorts of garbage attributed to them as well as poor punctuation, spelling, grammar and waffle. The same would happen if you stump up with your real identitiy. Presumably the blogmeister knows who is what.
Iain Did you have anything to do with the fire on the Uist fishing boat last Sunday.You didn’t nip down for a quick snack.
Sort it Out I am not a consultant I just have three daughters and tend to ferry cosmetics across the Minch with great regularity. As for posting anonymously well that’s fine but it should never be used to hide behind and attack people for their opinions or to spread malicious innuendo. Not that I would ever accuse anybody on this blog of doing that. I stand by my poor grammar and bad spelling as I am a great believer that it is the message that matters more than the vessel that conveys it.
Kevin, my comments about being a consultant were in jest and if I have caused offence I am very sorry. The comments about grammar and spelling are directed at me not you. by the original sort it out. Like you I don’t like pseudonyms either. There are people who visit this blog who use several pseudonyms and even have a conversation with themselves. I originally used my name along with my friends only for us to get irrational abuse, I now pursue the person in question in different ways to point out what they are doing is not nice and they should behave in a more adult fashion. I think you will know this person as you belong to the same political party. I would fully welcome a total ban on pseudonyms, unfortunately there are those who always wish to hide.
No offence was taken and your posts are very welcome. I always find them measured and nicely tongue in cheek. By the way you should see my spelling and grammar without the spellcheck. I value peoples opinions and I think debate is the bedrock of democracy. Post on my dear chap, but if you want you can email me [email protected]