Category Archives: teaching

Published Press and Journal : 14/03/2011

EDUCATION in this country is very different compared to how people of my age knew it. Going to school now is more like using a computer programme. The kids have glitzy screens and fancy audio equipment to help them learn.

The fanciest technology we had in school was a noisy, smelly photostat machine which churned out fuzzy-looking sheets of diagrams and equations for homework.

This clunky contraption had to be filled with a strong-smelling solution before it would produce these brown-on-white images. We brats quickly latched on that if you made a few copies of your geometry homework, held them up to your nostrils and inhaled deeply before they had a chance to dry, the rest of the afternoon would go swimmingly.

You would then just slump in the corner, with a grin from ear to ear, and feel at one with the world. You just felt mellow. You would laugh at absolutely anything the maths teacher said.

When Roddy John Smith would threaten me with the belt if I didn’t do my algebra homework, I would just secretly sniff my trigonometry sheets and I would be off again, dissolving into a fit of hyper-giggles. It was great, man.

In later life, I discovered several large gins with a little tonic had pretty much the same effect.

New technology, we are told, is now being used to make classes more interesting. Interesting? Who ever said education was meant to be interesting? I remember it as something to be endured, to be got through, to survive.

Our teachers were fierce. Most were unbending individuals who should by now be enjoying a happy retirement, content they have moulded the likes of myself into a fine citizen. Oh, well.

Instead, many have cosy little niches as well-paid councillors to while away their twilight years. Still looking fierce, still unbending and still telling us how we should live our lives. Some things never change.

The other day, I saw a headline that made me think the changes in the education system really had gone too far. It said: “More grass is encouraged by college.”

In my day, those “meabans” who opted for vocational courses at Lews Castle College were always in trouble for being on the grass – and I don’t mean the green stuff on the lawn.

Education chiefs came down on them heavily and even sent offenders off to the mainland to teach them a lesson. Terrible punishment. Soon the rascals met up with drug dealers from down-at-heel places like Dingwall and Inverness and got into the habit properly.

Some have survived. And they’re back. They tell me they might even be standing for council next time round to put right the decades of wrongs inflicted on us by teachers, councillors and education officials.

Er, maybe now’s the time for all the former teachers to move on.

And that shocking headline? I discovered it was actually all about the Scottish Agricultural College (SAC) urging crofters to grow their own. That’s the green stuff, not the stuff normally found in the possession of college students during police raids.

Thainstone grass guru Richard Huxtable is coming over to Lewis on Wednesday to lecture island crofters on how to use clover as a nitrogen fixing agent, grassland improvement techniques and the importance of nutrient and soil analysis.

I know, because I was so alarmed when saw the headline I phoned the college. I needed to know if the lecture, at the Marybank Mission beside Lava’s Garage, was just a get-together for hairy college students with CND symbols on their satchels.

The SAC head of grass told me: “No, nothing like that. This will be all about grassland management. Richard is very knowledgeable and puts his points across well.
“It is going to be very exciting. We’re all on a high here.”

Meanwhile, it’s also very exciting that Comic Relief is on Friday. Time for everyone to do crazy things and hopefully not be arrested.

That also means Red Nose Day. It’s a big thing here in the islands. Everywhere you look, people turn out in Stornoway in wigs and plastic boobs to shake cans for this really good cause. OK, not everywhere, but, technically, the Free Church (Continuing) is in Sandwick.

Stornoway jokester Kenny Ferguson, a well-brought-up fellow who was never in trouble in school, has come up with a great idea to raise cash. He is looking for sponsors and donations because he is posting a joke on his website every half-hour. That’s right, every half-hour for a whole week.

Kenny, who works as a specs fixer at R. Doig Ltd, optometrists to the gentry, started his marathon session on Saturday.

He will be posting jokes, puns and shaggy-dog stories right through till Red Nose Day.

He’s doing well so far. Go to his site at www.rndjokeathon.co.uk. Give him what you can – cash or jokes. Kenny will be grateful for either.

Some may be a bit risque, so, if there are any maiden aunts reading this, I would just say that other websites are available.

Here’s an example of what is on already. A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator.

“Oh, hang on,” he says. “I’m in the back seat.”

And what about the man who walked into a bar. He went “Aaaagh.” It was an iron bar.

A final one from Kenny’s collection? Oh, all right then, but you have to promise to go on to Kenny’s site and make a donation.

How about the one about the man who rushes home and shouts to his wife: “‘Pack your things. I’ve just won the lottery.”

His wife is thrilled at his wonderful news and the chance of a break.

She shouts back: “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

He says: “I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon.”