Monthly Archives: May 2011

Who can we get to play Dolly Parton in that film about her?

Posted on May 31, 2011 | 2 Comments

Published in Press and Journal 30 May 2011
.
Who can forget Jolene and Islands In The Stream? Ah, I’ve always loved those massive hits of Dolly Parton. Oh, come on. She’s fantastic. I know some people think she is a bit cheesy but that’s Americans for you. They are all kind of loud and lacking in good taste.

Except Michelle Obama who doesn’t say very much at the best of times even when the wind is blowing her hair all over the place and she is beginning to look like a haystack and making Prince Philip have a fit of the giggles.
Or when the band starts playing the national anthem when her husband is speaking and she realises it’s all going a bit pear-shaped. Or when she’s pressed into service handing out the lettuce at posh barbecues. The look on her face between the forced smiles. Classic.

Now they are planning a film about the life of Ms Parton. However, they still haven’t found someone suitable for the role – or rather someone who is suitable to the subject of the film. They need someone who has massive, er, personality and presence. Apparently, Pamela Anderson had a couple of things in her favour but “someone” isn’t too keen on her.

The makers are getting a bit desperate. They have even considered Barbara Windsor although “someone” thinks she is far too old. Wonder who that could be? Shame, you can just see Babs swaggering on with an accent from Smoky Mountain, Tennessee, telling a bunch of cowboys to “get outta my pub”.
Er, no. I’m getting mixed up. Just forget I said that.

Reese Witherspoon was deemed unsuitable because someone said “she would need a big, old bra”. Poor girl. I am sure she could afford to get one of those if they chose her. Go on, give it to her, Doll. But no.
Someone suggested that other willowy American songbird Taylor Swift. Wee Dolly’s reaction was classic.
“You’d have to saw her legs off at the knees and get her a boob job to play me.” Oh, meeaaaow.

Now I amn’t actually sure what one of those jobs is but let’s just keep the carpentry tools away from Ms Parton for a while, eh?
Amazingly, on the list of possibles who look a little like Dolly, with your eyes closed and the curtains drawn presumably, was Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall. They had really put her on a list to ask her if she would like to audition. As if.

I can imagine the phone ringing in Clarence House and Prince Charles answering. He says she’s not in but he’ll take a message. Does he think his wife would like to play Dolly Parton in a movie? Dolly who? Well, he didn’t know but he would certainly ask. What was this Ms Parton best known for?
The songs 9 to 5, Here You Come Again and Applejack? No, he didn’t think he’d ever heard these. Anything else? I Will Always Love You. He thought he’d certainly heard the Duchess hum that one some time back.

They were not to worry about any obvious differences. They would carry out all necessary “enhancements”, the producer says. The prince is puzzled. What could that be all about? Soon after, Camilla comes in from Harrods, weighed down with shopping. She was expecting a call from that Lorna woman at the Harris Tweed Authority. Any calls while she was out?

Nope. Oh, someone phoned to see if she would play some singer in a movie. Dick Barton? Something like that. The one with the enormous hits. She could phone them back. The number was on the sideboard. Will Camilla defy convention? The world is waiting for her answer.

Actually, I think I’ll just ask her myself on Thursday. She got the call from the Harris Tweed crowd and Camilla and the prince are going to be in Stockinish down in deepest, darkest Harris to have a look round a loomshed. I think I’ll take a turn down there with Mrs X. I’ll get her to chat up their security guys – she seems to be really good at that sort of thing – and then I’ll slip into the shed while Charles is on the loom and Camilla is filling a few bobbans. I’ll just ask her outright if she’s going to go for it. Easy peasy.

If Camilla turns down this magnificent offer, they’re stuck. I was going to suggest they get Chris or Janet, two blonde bombshells at Isles FM in Stornoway. Mind you, these two would probably want too much money. So I understand Dolly’s answer may be to play herself. Brilliant. Why did no one else think of that?
One of the amazing true facts about Dolly is that she secretly entered a Dolly Parton lookalike competition – and lost. She glamed up a wee bit with exra make-up and bolstered her, er, assets even more than they were already, called herself Donalda and put her name in for it.

She paraded around pouting and strutting her stuff. However, the judges, who must have had a wee bevvy, thought there was someone else in that line-up who was even more like Dolly than Donalda. A guy called Hector. Poor thing. I don’t think she’s ever got over that one.
Talking about the plans for the film about her life, she explained there would have to be three actors; “a young Dolly, a teenage one and then maybe I could play the old one.” Well, I am no film producer but I too think it would be the old Dolly you are best suited for, Dollag. You are in your mid-60s now, aren’t you? That’s a bit of clue.

When I think about it, I don’t know how interesting this film will be. Even when she was young, Dolly came across as so goody-goody. She was never very rock and roll. When Dolly was talking about someone having good grass she was actually talking about their lawn.

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Harris Tweed, Isle of Harris, Isle of Lewis, Media, Outer Hebrides, P&J column, Popular culture, royals, Western Isles

Stornoway granny in Greek holiday from hell

Posted on May 29, 2011 | 5 Comments

UPDATE: Mrs Macaskill had her operation in Athens today (MON) and is doing well. She has already texted her family.

A grandmother from Stornoway with a broken hip lay in a grim hospital on a Greek island for several days without proper treatment or pain relief while a hard-hearted travel insurance company did nothing to help.

Mrs Jane Macaskill has now been airlifted to Athens where she is finally due to have an operation today (MON).

Although she was wracked with pain, health chiefs in Greece wanted to take Mrs Macaskill, 67, on a nightmare 13-hour ferry journey to have an operation on the mainland because their travel insurer refused to fly them out.

Donald and Jane Macaskill

Her husband Donald, 73, a diabetic who is hard of hearing, was left to feed and care for his wife as only basic medical services were provided. Meanwhile, her family back on the Isle of Lewis were increasingly worried for Mrs Macaskill after their parents’ dream holiday turned into a nightmare after she suffered two bad falls on the Greek island of Kos.

The Macaskills, of Napier Hill in Stornoway, flew out on May 12 for a long-awaited three-week holiday in the sun booked through Thomas Cook. They were staying at the Sun Palace Hotel in Psaldi, near the town of Kos. Two falls, the last as she boarded a bus on Tuesday, resulted in Mrs Macaskill being taken to the local hospital where they confirmed a badly fractured hip.

“Mum is sharing a two-bed room. But the problem is that the hospital is very basic and few doctors or staff speak English. Relatives are expected to go in and feed patients.
“They can’t do an op there. She is not getting proper pain relief and other patients’ relatives have been helping her fetch things even though they can’t communicate properly,” said her son Donald, 37, a director of a Stornoway electrical firm, on Saturday morning.

His father, a retired office manager, is a diabetic. He is also very hard of hearing and cannot text from a mobile. The family’s communication was only with their mother on her mobile in her hospital bed. They were shocked to hear her distress when the pain relief wasn’t working.

Donald’s brother James, 35, a college lecturer, became a dad again after his parents left so his mother hasn’t seen baby Alasdair. He and his brothers pleaded with Columbus Direct, their parents travel insurer, and the medical claims handler Global Response to get them home quickly after her accident.

The family had been alarmed a few days ago to be told their mother was to be taken on a 13-hour ferry journey to a hospital on the Greek mainland to have surgery. “She is in so much pain that it would have been inhumane,” said James. After they complained, the plan was abandoned.

Speaking by phone from her hospital bed on Saturday morning, Mrs Macaskill said: “My husband Donald is having to look after me and feed me. He is diabetic and is not feeling well himself. The representatives from Thomas Cook do look in each day but no one is actually doing anything to help us.
“I am in pain all the time because the fracture needs surgery but they are not able to do it here. I can’t understand why my travel insurer will not help get me home. It seems to have been a waste of money.”
.
When Mrs Macaskill was deemed was fit to fly, plans were made to fly her to hospital in Athens. Greece has reciprocal health arrangements with European partners like the UK and it was likely to be a basic state hospital and not a private one as they were first told. The family was hopeful that she would at least get the fracture seen to properly and the bone set.
.
Mrs Macaskill lying in the Kos hospital
Global Response however would not authorise the flight. However, after pressure from Alasdair Allan, the Western Isles MSP who contacted the British consulate in Rhodes, the firm changed its mind and flew Mr and Mrs Macaskill to Athens on Saturday evening.
Son James said: “They are in a first class private hospital in Athens. They have given Dad a bed in the same room to save him from having to stay at a hotel. Excellent food, thorough examination and first class treatment.  Mum will probably be having the operation on Monday and she is very happy with that.
“From the moment she went onto the air ambulance she was treated first class, immediate pain relief, doctor and nurse on board.”
.
Neither Columbus Direct nor Global Response returned calls and emails about Mrs Macaskill at the weekend. Before the transfer, a Thomas Cook spokeswoman denied they had done nothing to help, saying: “We understand how upsetting Mr and Mrs Macaskill’s situation is for them. Our resort team continues to do their utmost to provide as much support as possible to Mr and Mrs Macaskill while their travel insurance company decides on best next steps.”
.
Alasdair Allan MSP, the Western Isles MSP, met with James and Donald Macaskill in Stornoway on Saturday to discuss their parents’ plight. He had been in touch with the Foreign Office and the British consul in Rhodes to get help for them. He said: “It is appalling that they were left with no support by these companies. That insurer will have serious questions to answer about their treatment of the Macaskills.”

→ 5 Comments

Posted in Isle of Lewis, Scotland, Western Isles

Stornoway hit by countfeiters

Posted on May 25, 2011 | 6 Comments

I hear tonight of more businesses and individuals which have been ripped off by counterfeiters who have targeted Stornoway and parts of Fife and are passing off fake notes at every chance. I now know of eight businesses including restaurants, decorators and bakers – and I bet you there will be more.

Some Stornoway shops aren't accepting any notes

The dud notes are all £10 and £20 notes and are Bank of Scotland and Royal Bank.  They are excellent forgeries. Only an ultraviolet scanner will detect them as they are so good they aren’t even detected by the pen detector. However, they have the same serial numbers.

Some businesses in the town will not take any notes until further notice. I am puzzled why certain people – who must remain nameless at the moment – are claiming there’s no problem. Only by everyone being aware can this be stopped.

→ 6 Comments

Posted in Crime, Isle of Lewis, Outer Hebrides, Police, Scotland, Western Isles

So, Mr O’Leary, there was no ash cloud over Scotland?

Posted on May 25, 2011 | 1 Comment

The boss of Ryanair doesn’t think there was any ash cloud over Scotland and, if there was, there wasn’t enough to worry about. Hmm. So why was Ronnie Macneil’s windows on Barra covered in the stuff on Tuesday morning?

Ash from the sky on a Barra window

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Barra, Western Isles

Interview with RMT leader Bob Crow

Posted on May 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Government, Isle of Lewis, politics, Western Isles

Where’s the ash?

Posted on May 24, 2011 | 2 Comments

I am told there was ash on cars on Lewis and maybe other islands today. The rain will have washed it off now but anyone got any photos?

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Barra, Isle of Harris, Isle of Lewis, Outer Hebrides, Uist, Western Isles

Councillors must not interfere with FoI responses

Posted on May 24, 2011 | Leave a comment

Courtesy: Press Gazette

Paper exposes council leader’s FoI ‘meddling’

24 May 2011

A council leader faces a misconduct investigation after his local newspaper revealed he was “meddling” in Freedom of Information requests.  In March, Huddersfield Daily Examiner senior reporter Katie Grant got hold of potentially damning emails that appeared to show the leader of Kirklees Council, Mehboob Khan, amending FOI requests before they were sent out.

In one example, the council was asked how much council tax was owed by people living in Kirklees, including all overdue payments, and the council’s FoI officer prepared a full response dating back to 1993, which was then sent to Khan. However, in an email exchange with the officer, Khan said: “This is not going out. Who prepared the response?”. That led to a new response being put together by the council – which only included figures for the financial year 2010/11.

In another case, the council’s FoI officer received requests asking how much the council spent on celebrities for local events. The officer prepared a response but Khan appeared to prevent the information from being released – telling the officer: “I suggest this response … you will notice that it is different. I refer to your recent enquiry regarding the use of celebrities by the council. I have trawled our various services and unfortunately this information is not collated in one central place.”

Ironically, Khan’s involvement was exposed by an FoI request submitted by Grant requesting email correspondence between Khan and the FoI officer. Khan, meanwhile, has denied any wrongdoing, claiming he was trying to put things into “context” and “improve” the information sent back to applicants. He told the Examiner that he had only amended one per cent of all FoIs he received.

Grant said suspicions were raised when the council sent back the FoI on council tax payments. She said: “We had lots of trouble getting the numbers back, and it was a simple question. We couldn’t see why weren’t getting a response.” Last week, the council decided there was a case for Khan to answer, after allegations made by the newspaper showed Khan “may have compromised the impartiality of council officers”.

The council also found that: “The allegations also raise the issue of whether the subject member had used or attempted to use his position as a member improperly to confer on or secure for himself or any other person an advantage or disadvantage.” Grant said she is surprised none of the national press has picked up the story, particularly when you consider Khan also sits on the Standards for England Board – an organisation set up to champion “and promote high standards of conduct amongst our local politicians”.

A spokesperson for the organisation told the Examiner that Khan would be excluded from involvement in the board’s case-handling activities while the investigation was ongoing.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Barra, Benbecula, corruption, council, Government, Isle of Harris, Isle of Lewis, Outer Hebrides, Scotland, Stornoway, Western Isles

If there is anybody out there, I’m stuck here in the cupboard

Posted on May 24, 2011 | 1 Comment

Published: Press and Journal 23 May 2011

It was a fantastic idea of my wife’s to get me into this cupboard underneath the stairs to wait for the end of the world by earthquakes and bolts from on high.
The carnage must have happened already while I was having a wee kip. Now I can’t open the cupboard door so I suspect the house has been reduced to rubble and there are big ollacks piled up in what was our hall. Still, I’m alive.

Maybe they weren’t so lucky down South Harris way where all the houses are built on sand. And Benbecula. And Eriskay. Thankfully, I have my laptop here to keep in touch with anyone who is still out there. Amazingly, the email still works but I had better not look at any webpages to save the battery. Scenes of devastation around Sandwick Road would just upset me terribly.

With no way of knowing what it’s like out there, I shall carry on as normal in the hope that at least the Press and Journal building is still standing. All that granite over there in the North East probably means it will be the last to crumble under thunderbolts and tremors that shoot off the Richter scale.

I hadn’t thought much about it until Mrs X announced she wasn’t going to do any shopping. No point in getting bananas and beans if the world is coming to an end. Good thinking, honey. Let’s save our cash for a rainy day. The thing is that my missus is mischievous. No, not just in that good way. She went in town and ordered as many luxury items as she could on the never-never.

It was amazing how many shopkeepers here in Stornoway didn’t actually believe the world was going to end. They gave her whatever she wanted on the slate. Ach, it’s their own fault for being so trusting. Washing machines, toasters, TVs, hi-fis, peat cutting machines, you name it. All week we’ve been stacking them up in the living room.

Look, here are some of the bills. She ordered a car, sorry, six cars. And, gosh; a holiday for two in the Seychelles. Well, that was a waste of time. Even if hellfire hasn’t quite reached the Indian Ocean yet, I can’t even get out of this cupboard.
It’s not looking good for me getting an all-over tan anytime soon.

There’s a bill here from a company I don’t recognise. It supplies male escorts. Wonder what that’s all about. Ah, she must have bought one of these old post vans. Can’t beat a reliable Ford when the whole world is falling apart, eh?
She’s so wise, my wife, but that silly company can’t even spell the word mail.
When we heard the dreadful news about the upcoming End of Days, Mrs X wasn’t bothered. Nerves of steel, that one. Her way of dealing with it was to announce that I should run along and get supplies because we were going to have a fantastic party.

What should I get? Oh, just get the usual party stuff and anything else I thought we would need, she advised. So there I was staggering back from Tesco with a couple of bottles of the strong stuff, half a dozen cans and a big bag of Wotsits. Then I realised there was something else I should have got.

Surprisingly, herself was less than impressed when I got back. She wondered why I’d got that huge needle from the Fishermen’s Co-op. So I told her it was for the rupture party and how I was so grateful she was going to have a go at fixing my hernia. She was fizzing. It was supposed to be a Rapture party, apparently. Well, I’d never been to one of them before.

That’s when she suggested I get into this cupboard with one of the bottles. That’s her all over; always thinking of others. I had too many swigs. I must have been flakers when the big shakes shook Stornoway. There was so much on my to-do list before all this Armageddon stuff. I had asked Barack Obama to come up here to Lewis during his trip to the UK. A few years ago, our Harris-based genealogist Chris Lawson discovered the president had connections with the west side of the island. Now Chris has discovered he is a cousin by marriage of Donald Trump. And he is from Tong, of course.

Well, I mean the president could forget looking for cousins in the potato patches of Ireland. He is not O’Bama and his roots aren’t there. They’re right here among the turnips in Tong. Wonder if Barack is one of the Bullers. Or maybe he is related to to the Loudies? Put a pair of glasses and a Rangers top on him, and I think you would be hard pressed to tell him and Brian Loudy apart.
Because of that wonderful fundamentalist Harold Camping and the way he literally and correctly interpreted the Bible in the good old Free Church (Continuing) way, we will never know.

Where is Mrs X? She is so brave, you know. Rather than get into the cupboard wth me, she volunteered to venture out into that awful, dark wilderness formerly known as Bayhead and assess the damage after the first wave of thunderbolts and earthquakes. I was so touched by her selflessness.

Promising to return when she had something to report, she told me to just sit tight in here until then. That was before Britain’s Got Talent on Saturday night and she’s not back yet. I hope she’s alright. If I am the only survivor of this disaster, I had better tidy up this cupboard. Oh look, here are more of the bills for stuff my beloved has ordered in the last few days.

There’s one here for a lock from Kenny Deadly’s DIY shop. A lock? It says it’s ideal for securing any cupboard. Hmm, wonder what she got that for?

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Free Church, Isle of Lewis, Outer Hebrides, P&J column, religion, Scotland, Stornoway, Uncategorized, Western Isles

Naming Private Ryan

Posted on May 23, 2011 | Leave a comment

There was a day you could expect Labour people to stand up for our rights and freedoms. No longer. To see John Prescott and Tom Harris tearing into John Hemming, a brave Lib Dem MP, for naming Ryan Giggs in parliament, was stomach-churning.

It is for MPs to legislate and for judges to interpret. Fine. Not a mention from the

Up the people

the two representatives of the party of the working class that super-injunctions are the preserve only of the very wealthy so the their effectiveness should be undermined wherever possible. The betrayal of ordinary people by these two pro-establishment poodles is complete.

The lure of Lib Dem bashing was also irresistible to Alasdair Campbell. So his name too is on the list for when the great day comes.  Power to the people.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in corruption, Government, injunctions, legal, politics

A wry and giggly look at that Sunday Herald front page

Posted on May 22, 2011 | Leave a comment

Today's front page

I make no allegation about the private life of anyone you may think you recognise from the front page of the Sunday Herald (partly reproduced above). My only interest is that the newpaper is to be commended for publishing it especially as no legal order banning publication in Scotland is in force.  Other so-called Scottish newspapers have been shown up as being utterly timid and useless in defending freedom of speech from greedy English lawyers and the buffoons who preside in English libel courts who have neither regard for democracy nor the basic freedoms on which our great nations were built.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in censorship, injunctions, Media, privacy, Scotland