Media bosses are set to be hauled before a powerful select committee to explain secret surveillance tactics which, it is widely suspected, are carried out on an industrial scale.
However, it has emerged that the policy and resources committee cannot order big boss Rupert Morrison to attend because he is an alien. He’s from Lochs.
However, Mistress Rebekah Gillen, his Managing Editor of Lapse Indicating Newspaper Deep-throat Activities, will be summoned to the White House to explain why she has been intruding on the lives of ordinary people by ordering her
Last week saw a rash of even more extraordinary claims. Island readers were treated to such shockers as “Parking watch promised following complaints” and an outrageous exclusive front page shocker, which confirmed the extent to which Gillen has managed to get close to high-ranking officers at Northern Constabulary. It said: “Police ask you to tell them about bad parking.”
Despite the mounting evidence of an unhealthy relationship, Assistant Commissioner Gordon MacYates said: “What? I know nothing. How did you get this number?”
One angry motorist told us: “Up until now the photos Mrs Rebekah published were of poorly-parked cars in places away from Stornoway town centre. Then the mood changed when she last week published a photo of an Inverness flooring van. She pixelated the number plate but not the name of The Floor Centre.
“Great free advertising for them – which is a first from her paper. She certainly doesn’t do that for local companies. She and Rupert always squeeze them dry.
“It is obviously a cover-up. If she was really interested in parking, she would be taking photos of the lawbreakers who clog up the town’s streets on Sundays. They are the real villains. It’s one rule for them and another for us.”
Stornoway resident Mrs Angry said: “I am one of that woman’s victims. She took photos of my car while I was in the chemist. What do you think of that? To get my own back, I’ve been hiding with a camera behind a bin close to Whopping Press headquarters on Francis Street but I haven’t seen her.
“I’ve also heard a rumour that she is now disguised as someone with distinctive black hair. Everyone should keep an eye out for her.”In a terse statement from Whopping Press, Mrs Rebekah said: “Rupert and I have co-operated fully throughout this inquiry. If any boobs come to light, we will certainly look at them.”
Meanwhile, there have been suggestions the raven-haired press boss is already far too close to members of the policy and resources committee. Sources say she has been seen cosying up to committee chairman Angus Campbell and vice-chair Norman Macdonald who have recently been busy ensuring there has never been more work on the island – but not for any local companies. Maybe they have much in common.
In a joint response to our questions, they slurred: “Were we at darling Rebekah’s birthday party? Can you prove it? We go to many birthday parties – don’t we, Nigel – but that doesn’t mean we can remember who we spoke to or even whose birthday it was. Anyone got any more champagne?
“See you? You’re my best pal ……”
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